Managing Grief
Rather than being an event, grief is a process. It is mostly activated by an event but can also be the result of a process, such as separation. It can be tolerated well and dealt with, or it can be an overwhelming experience. There are many factors that will determine what colour, shape, length of time, or intensity this process will take.
No two people will experience grief the same way. We all do grief in our own unique style. We also do it in our own time. It is unrealistic for anyone to tell us how to do it. So many people come to me saying ‘I should be over it by now’ or ‘people are telling me to move on’.
Some people sob for long periods, some people don’t allow themselves to feel and lock it all inside. And there are endless versions of all sorts of behaviour between the two extremes.
Grief is not just a reaction to death. It can be about any kind of loss that is real to the person. Other losses include:
- Relationship breakdown; loss of employment
- Loss of health; moving to another place or country
- Loss of friend(s); being a family carer
- Loss of a pet; loss of home or finances etc.
There are countless losses we might experience throughout a lifetime.
Feelings experienced include:
- Shock; numbness; anger guilt
- sadness (which can become depression if not dealt with)
- emptiness; loneliness; disbelief; confusion; disorientation; sense of going crazy; anxiety; panic.
Symptoms or behaviours include:
- Crying and sobbing
- withdrawal from others
- sleeplessness
- irritation with others
- being demanding
- repression of emotion
- refusing to talk about it
- repetitive talk about the loss
- becoming unwell
- palpitations
- sweaty palms
- loss of appetite
- headaches
- a variety of physical symptoms
- denial
- ruminating about the person
- being distracted and forgetful
- avoiding loved one’s room or possessions
- deintensely missing the person or thing
- expecting them to walk into the room
- loss of sense of purpose or motivation to do usual things
- busy-ness or working hard to avoid the grief
- refusal to go to places associated with a loved one
- becoming depressed—this can be serious and may need treatment if it persists.
Grief can also be exacerbated by previous and/or unresolved losses. It does depend on a person’s emotional style, whether they are normally expressive or contained or somewhere in between. People will react according to what is normal for them, but they can surprise themselves and others when it comes to grief.
Grief can be so intensely painful that you can’t believe it, and don’t know what to do with it. This is all normal. It is generally better to feel the pain, when you can. Allow it, let it be there. Normally it will pass. The more we try to stop it, the more it will persist. However there can come a time when you have had enough and just need to put it away. This is also fine.
The feelings can bounce one all over the psyche. Just when we think it’s gone, it returns with a sharp hit, out of left field, often triggered by a memory, a smell, a piece of music, or an important anniversary or birthday. Grief can be very tricky, and slip in unnoticed and unbidden. But it is just letting you know that someone or something was loved and treasured, and can still be honoured.
Grief that doesn’t go away
Some kinds of grief go on for a very long time. For example when you care for someone who is ill or with a disability. The grief doesn’t end, it is non-finite or cyclical. It comes back regularly at important times, and reminds one that things are not what we expected or hoped for them to be. There can be lots of losses associated with a caring role, or being the person with a life threatening or life changing condition.
There are however some things that we can do to make grief more manageable:
- First of all recognise that it is there
- Put no expectations on yourself or others about the time frame
- Allow yourself to feel
- Realize grief is not just sadness, it also anger, guilt, frustration, despair, confusion and feeling out of control
- Be kind to yourself, ‘treats’ help to heal the wounds
- Let others support you if they are willing
- Most of all remember grief is a natural and normal part pf life. We can get through it, we do survive it and if we allow ourselves time and feelings, it can be a time of useful reflection and becomes a part of our life’s journey.
Mary Guest, 2010
Contact Mary
Mary is available for one-on-one counselling sessions, group therapy, art therapy, brain-based therapy and grief counselling for families and individuals. Call today. 0417 227 753